"Wake up, wake up O my soul"

I remember that song on Corey Russell's first CD (which is awesome, if you haven't heard it): "Wake up, wake up O my soul / It's a new revelation." In this case, it's a renewed revelation.

How often I need to be reminded of things…tonight in GRID class it was my own pride, my inability to do anything by my own strength, my habit of saying things that are vanity (in non-Ecclesiastes language: of no lasting worth, not edifying) and my tendency to think I’m progressing in an area when I’ve really fallen back into sin.

And yet as I perceive my weaknesses, I do not feel the swift plunge into the “I’m dark, I’m dark, I’m dark” phase that I’ve had at least twice since the internship started. Even as the Spirit gently crushes me, I know that He still calls me lovely; that He sees my immediate repentance and my longing for maturity; that He sees not only my hidden sins but also my hidden longing for righteousness.

I have a day of silence left, and I want to go hard after the goals of the fast – my personal goals and the goals for the corporate 40-day fast. I’m adding a few to the personal area. As I finish my fast, I want to thank G-d for the grace He’s given me this past week, and even just over the last two days (as I’ve gradually realized how I’ve misused this fast, even misused the good things He’s given me). Again, I acknowledge that I have no strength in and of myself. I am reminded of Isaiah 64:

For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him. You meet him who rejoices and does righteousness, who remembers You in Your ways. You are indeed angry, for we have sinned; in these ways we continue; and we need to be saved. But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; we all fade as a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away. […] But now, O LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and you our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand.

So I pray for a remolding…over and over again. As Ps. 103 says:

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes. For the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children, to such as keep His covenant, and to those who remember His commandments to do them.

Even in my moments of doubt and fear, I know I could never fall away completely from faith…what kind of G-d is He, that He should love the fragile, temporal creation of His hands with such understanding? Amazing.