Nature. Pain. The nature *of* pain.

Yes, this is another post about me, somewhat self-indulgent in nature. Well, it's my blog; I can talk about whatever I want. I actually don't care if you read this or not; writing helps me sort out my thoughts.

G-d is doing a lot in my heart right now. I had a talk with Him last night (or rather talked at Him—I'm having trouble hearing Him right now). I've figured out that this season is one of longing and emptiness, meant to create greater hunger in me. The end result will be greater maturity and understanding of Him. The immediate result is pain. I'm trying to accept and welcome what He's doing, but knowing that the pain is worthwhile doesn't make it hurt any less.

Whenever I go through this kind of season, I tend to feel an urgent need to get outdoors and away from people—to be in a literal wilderness, one that matches my heart. I nearly went crazy several times during my internship; G-d was doing so much in me, but I didn't have much time to spend outside. I was always around other people, constantly being asked if I was okay, what was going on in my heart, could they pray for me… I was grateful for my friends' support and concern, and often I needed it. I believe fellowship is necessary to live a healthy life as a believer. But I have always been most comfortable in solitude. Sometimes being alone makes me feel better. Sometimes it actually makes things worse. Other times solitude soothes my inner turmoil for a little while, providing a brief rest before I have to go back to wrestling with what He is working in me. Today, it was the third result.

I went hiking on my lunch break, along Blue River again (there really is nowhere else nearby, except for Shiloh ). I enjoyed as much as I could in my present condition. It was a beautiful day for a hike. A strong breeze came and went at times, playing against the day's unusual warmth. I walked for a while, stopping to watch a robin bathe in a stream. Above me, a hawk beat futilely against the wind before side-slipping beyond my view. I perched on a ridge high above a creek and listened to the wind for a while, letting it speak for me. My heart felt full, but I did not know what to say that I hadn't said before. All I could do was pray short prayers: "G-d, give me grace. Give me joy in this season. I am Yours. Remove everything in my heart that is an obstacle to love. Help me."

I found a perch on a crooked tree by the river and sat there for a long time, watching dying leaves spiral slowly into the water on fall's last breath. When the wind came, the leaves fluttered in sheets to the river, blanketing the water's surface, and were carried away by the current.

I ran my hand along the tree trunk and felt the moss and lichens growing on its surface. The tree was bent, broken, and ugly, but some of its branches still held leaves—withered leaves, but signs of life nonetheless. The battering my tree had taken from the river had defined it, given it character.

Yesterday, Loch and I sat on a rock outcropping a couple of miles upriver and talked about pain. "When I first heard someone say that G-d causes pain, I was like, 'No. That can't be right,'" Loch said. "But I realized that it's true. Sometimes pain is completely G-d's will." I agree with her. A lot of the pain humans feel is because we live in a fallen world. Yet I think that pain is ordained by G-d more times than we realize. He does it because He loves us too much to let us continue in sin; because He has such huge dreams for us to be more than we are. But the only way for Him to make us better and to entrust us with more of His heart is to carve out those things that drag us down—and boy, does it hurt when the Word pierces you. I have to say that the writer of Hebrews knew exactly what he was talking about in Hebrews 4 and 12.

I still don't completely understand why G-d is doing certain things in my heart at certain times, or even what He is doing. However, I think I understand more about the ultimate end He has in mind. He wants to perfect me in love, to make me mature and holy. But He has to teach me some things first about His strength versus my strength, and about how the pain is necessary and even right. And so today I resolved to be as weak as He wants me to be, and to embrace the pain of the Hebrews 4:12 sword when it is for my own good.

I don't know when I will be healed. It hurts a lot…sometimes like a stabbing wound, sometimes like a dull ache. All I can do pray, keep reading my Bible, and not become offended at Him. I have to trust that the Father knows what He's doing—that He is good, because He says so; that He wants more for me, because His Son longs for a spotless Bride; that He loves me…that He loves…simply because He exists.

If there's one thing I have left, it is to declare this: He is the I AM. He is good, kind, perfect in timing, and sovereign; He cannot contradict His nature. I say He is faithful, and I believe He will complete what He has begun in me (Phil. 1:6).