Journey of an IHOPer: Vows

I took a vow a few months ago, a short-term vow that should alter the way I think, both in my mind and my heart. I took this vow in the spirit of the Nazarite vow described in Numbers 6:1-21.

The Nazarite vow is one of consecration. It is taken by those who wish to separate themselves to the L-rd for a time. I wanted to set myself apart as a continuation of the season begun in my internship. I wanted to let the L-rd tell me who I was to Him and learn who He was to me. I gave up certain activities, interactions, and relationship possibilities so that I could devote my time to prayer and my focus to Him.

But I slipped back into old thought patterns. I didn’t know how to consecrate my thought life. I didn’t really do anything to separate myself from old habits or beliefs. I began to struggle with an area of sin that I hadn’t had trouble with for years. I rationalized my sin and enabled myself to keep sinning. I slipped in my devotion to Him in many other areas. I was spiritually bored, yet unconsciously unwilling to turn to Yeshua for help. I lied to myself, saying that everything was all right, but it wasn’t. In short, I was miserable.

He loves me too much to have let that continue. A week ago, He confronted me about my failure. He was nice about it, but He made it very clear that I was not living rightly. I had to admit that I hadn't kept my vow. I hadn't set myself apart. In fact, I was worse off spiritually than I'd been before I'd taken the vow. I could only say, "Please, show me where I went wrong. I can't fix it. I can't do anything by my own strength. I need You."

I'm not condemning myself. I write without shame, simply stating facts, because I am beginning to understand what it is like to live under His mercy. It was His mercy that prompted me to ask what was wrong with my heart. He showed me mercy by telling me how I'd been sinning. By forcing me to come face-to-face with my self-deception and my disobedience, He showed mercy, not letting me continue in my unhappiness. He has been so gentle with me throughout the whole process. I haven't felt any recrimination. He keeps saying to me, "Beloved, I want so much more for you than you want for yourself. I want you to be free. Will you let Me help you?"

I could only say, "Please. Please help me. Remove everything that hinders love. Make me holy." That was a scary prayer to pray because I knew He would answer. He did, right away, and even as I type this I can feel the Word piercing me and chastising me, like it says in Hebrews 4 and 12. The experience is not pleasant most of the time, but I know I'm going to be better because of it. I wonder who I will be at the end of this.

When I took this vow, I thought it was going to be completely enjoyable and fun. I pictured me sitting at the feet of Jesus like Mary of Bethany in Luke 10, receiving the Word, la la la la, happy happy happy. But Mary had to fight against the noise and confusion in the house, against the disapproving looks of the disciples and of her sister Martha, against even her own doubt and insecurity. Likewise, this season has turned out to be turbulent. It's been sobering and surprising. Oddly, it's also been joyful. Every day the Father gives me a new piece of the puzzle that is His heart. Every day I receive a little bit of understanding when it comes to His grace, His mercy, His just and loving judgments, and the fear of the L-rd. I used to have intellectual understanding of these attributes of G-d. But experiencing these qualities and emotions when they are directed at me is beyond description.

I am overjoyed that He loves me this much. He has chosen to use my rebellion to draw me closer to Him. A lesser Being would have written me off, for I had taken His love and thrown it back in His face. I made a vow and didn't keep it; I valued myself and my desires more than I valued Him. Yet He pulled me back, and I returned--and now I am in an unexpected time of humility and of learning His heart. I am so amazed at the Father's extravagant, unreasonable love for repentant prodigals. His commitment to us far surpasses our commitment to Him.

I'll probably make mistakes during this season; I am human. But I know I will be strengthened by the realization that this vow is not, after all, one-sided. I am weak and I don't know how to be holy. But that's okay--He is going to teach me how to depend on Him. I'm going to come out of this wilderness leaning on Him, as it says in Song of Songs 8:5. He does not give up on those who are His, no matter how many times we fall.