Question

I keep asking myself this question:

"If I really -- I mean REALLY -- understood how much He loves me, how would my life change?"

Another long update

Not if I can help it...but I tend to start typing these things meaning them to be short, and then I end up writing for an hour.

So. The Passion for Jesus Conference was okay, I guess. Once you've been in an internship for any length of time, the conferences are almost too basic. Not that it wasn't good stuff...I'm sure most people who came to that conference had no idea that they were supposed to care about Israel and the End Times. Jesus does, though, so they should too.

After PfJ I had one of my mood swings. BURN class took care of that, though. Before class, I gave a testimony on how Pickle helped me get my bag out of my trunk. Side note: I axe kicked my trunk so hard I left a dent. And it still didn't open. My martial arts friends are laughing now. Seriously, I kicked the trunk twice, pressed on it, stood on it, jumped on it -- I even laid hands on the trunk and prayed in tongues, and it just kept on not opening. Pickle came over before supper and just kind of stroked the trunk...and it opened right away.

Back to BURN class. I told everybody about the trunk, thinking it would be a fun story and an example of G-d's sense of humor. I forgot that we pray for the people who give testimonies. I mean, I had really been hoping somebody would give me some encouraging words or something, but I hadn't asked anyone. I figured G-d would tell someone to come talk to me if He really wanted to blow me away. But this was good, too -- instead of one person, five people came around me and prayed for me. Every single person (Carol, Garner, Hotness, Ojos, and Sailor) had a prayer/prophecy that was spot-on. Then Withit came up and gave me another word. Again, spot-on. Withit is one of those people who gives really accurate and perceptive words all the time; I am in awe of how in tune she is with the Spirit. I wish she'd give me a word every time I see her. :-P But anyway...I distinctly remember her saying, "You're waiting for the release of authority, like you're standing on a beach waiting for the tide. There will be a perceptible difference when it happens. But for now you're waiting. You know it and G-d knows it." I had not known it consciously, but as she spoke something inside me agreed, and everything I'd been feeling and thinking about for the past few days began to make sense. It was as if things subtly shifted and slotted into place. I have felt for a while that something is going to change...that I am going to move into maturity at some point. Probably about eight different people have prophetically confirmed that in the last month or so.

Oddly, I'm completely at peace in this waiting stage. I still have a ginormous (is that a word? If it's not, I'm making it one) desire for spiritual maturity/authority, greater gifts, more love for G-d and for people, etc. But He is a wise leader and He knows the time for things. That doesn't mean I shouldn't ask for the stuff I just wrote...I realized on Wednesday (or, rather, was given revelation) that although G-d does want to see if I am faithful in little, He also wants me to ask for more at the same time. I am sure this desire of His extends to the whole internship (and to the church as a whole). Today at the end of intern intercession, Helena (who was prayer leading) had all of us who weren't playing or singing at the moment to come receive prayer. We all began praying for a greater outpouring of the Spirit. The core leaders moved among us, praying and prophesying over each intern. Someone -- I don't know who -- asked for the gift of healing for me. A few minutes later, my core leader found me and prophesied the same thing. I guess that's significant. I have been focusing more on the prophetic as well as on the gift of faith, but FSM offers a two-year degree in healing and prophecy. I guess the two are related. It can't hurt to ask for the gift of healing.

I know that if G-d decides to give me the gift of healing, He'd better give me the gift of faith as well. Right now I don't have much. That's been highlighted to me over the past few days, especially as the HoP has recently begun praying for seven disabled men (para- and quadriplegics, a blind man, a mute man, etc.). I need more faith to move in any spiritual gift. A bunch of people have given me prophecies about a teaching gift. I am terrified of public speaking, so I could definitely use some faith for that (as well as other things, but we'll start there). *waves arms* Over here, G-d! Gift of faith -- toss it my way!

So here's my prayer list for me (I have an ever-increasing list of other people to pray for, as well as the issues of the 40-day fast):

• The gift of faith


• Increase in prophetic gift (spoken and written word/poems)


• Teaching (?!) and anointing on words


• Major encounter with G-d


• Greater maturity


• More wisdom

I think there's more, but that's all I can remember right now. I feel a little awkward listing them for all to see (although I think only my family reads this blog). Yet doing so is a challenge to myself to keep asking (or "contending," as we say in IHOP jargon) for these things. It's related to something else from BURN class. HoB gave a testimony too -- a friend of hers who'd stayed with us during visitor weekend in February had a dream about our internship. We were all shopping in Target and selecting groceries to take home. The groceries weren't food; they were spiritual gifts. What we didn't know was that the gifts were free. All we had to do was pick them out. We kept grabbing the cheaper, lower-quality items, not realizing we could ask for something better. So I feel like our internship is being challenged to intercede for ourselves, to pray like Matthew 7:7-11 describes: to believe G-d wants to give us these things and wants us to ask for them.

I definitely came out of my blue mood after that. I visualized myself huddled in a bare corner, sobbing, consumed with my own sinfulness and unworthiness. A few feet away stood the Father, trying to coax me out of my corner. He had a huge mound of presents at His feet. He kept trying to convince me He wasn't mad at me for my immaturity -- He actually liked me as well as loved me. He wanted to bless me with gifts. I don't know if that picture was just my imagination or what, but it summed up me and (I think) the interns pretty nicely.

There, that wasn't so long, was it? Thank you for bearing with me. It was a pleasure to type at you. To you. Whatever.

I love BURN class

I know I haven't updated in a while...we had to attend the Passion for Jesus conference last weekend and I really haven't gotten a chance to blog since then. Well, I had a chance on Monday between class and dinner, but my bag got locked in my trunk. It's okay; one of the guys got it out. I'll type up the whole shebang later, maybe Friday afternoon or whatever.

I just wanted to say I love Corey Russell's BURN class. It's for Onething interns only; it's so awesome that we get him all to ourselves for a couple hours each week. BURN class always refreshes us and gives us renewed fire for the week. Tonight was no different. I think the internship as a whole has been feeling pretty heavy...we definitely got some joy tonight. I personally was given some absolutely spot-on prophetic words...Sailor (as usual), Ojos, Garner, Withit, and some other folks spoke right to my heart. I feel really, really good. Like, I actually believe G-d likes me and enjoys me. I was struggling with that the past few days. So that was good...okay, bed time. Dude, I've been so tired the last few days. I could barely concentrate in class -- just wanted to take a nap. I am going to sleep in a bit tomorrow and, if the weather's nice, take a meditation hike in Shiloh. Last Thursday it rained; I'm going to check the weather and hope it'll be nice this Thursday.

"Wake up, wake up O my soul"

I remember that song on Corey Russell's first CD (which is awesome, if you haven't heard it): "Wake up, wake up O my soul / It's a new revelation." In this case, it's a renewed revelation.

How often I need to be reminded of things…tonight in GRID class it was my own pride, my inability to do anything by my own strength, my habit of saying things that are vanity (in non-Ecclesiastes language: of no lasting worth, not edifying) and my tendency to think I’m progressing in an area when I’ve really fallen back into sin.

And yet as I perceive my weaknesses, I do not feel the swift plunge into the “I’m dark, I’m dark, I’m dark” phase that I’ve had at least twice since the internship started. Even as the Spirit gently crushes me, I know that He still calls me lovely; that He sees my immediate repentance and my longing for maturity; that He sees not only my hidden sins but also my hidden longing for righteousness.

I have a day of silence left, and I want to go hard after the goals of the fast – my personal goals and the goals for the corporate 40-day fast. I’m adding a few to the personal area. As I finish my fast, I want to thank G-d for the grace He’s given me this past week, and even just over the last two days (as I’ve gradually realized how I’ve misused this fast, even misused the good things He’s given me). Again, I acknowledge that I have no strength in and of myself. I am reminded of Isaiah 64:

For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, Who acts for the one who waits for Him. You meet him who rejoices and does righteousness, who remembers You in Your ways. You are indeed angry, for we have sinned; in these ways we continue; and we need to be saved. But we are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; we all fade as a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away. […] But now, O LORD, You are our Father; we are the clay, and you our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand.

So I pray for a remolding…over and over again. As Ps. 103 says:

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes. For the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children, to such as keep His covenant, and to those who remember His commandments to do them.

Even in my moments of doubt and fear, I know I could never fall away completely from faith…what kind of G-d is He, that He should love the fragile, temporal creation of His hands with such understanding? Amazing.

Afternoon off

The OTI office gave us most of the afternoon off today. We will not have Thursday off because of the conference, and we have no classes because of GBF, so that works out nicely. I was going to go by myself to hike in Shiloh again, but I ended up walking home with KitKat and asked her (by means of miming) if she wanted to go. We had a great walk. It was shorter than I'd planned; she had to go home and catch up on some of our assigned reading. We both enjoyed it, though. I showed her how to use my binoculars and we did a little bird-watching. 1:00 p.m. is not a good time for birding, but we spotted and/or heard a few: cardinals, chickadees, mourning doves, geese, and some hawks. I was hoping to see those gigantic buteos again...I looked in my field guide and I think I possibly saw two golden eagles. I remember that they had huge wingspans (the guide said seven feet!) and they did fly with a slight dihedral (the wings made a V-shape instead of being held straight across). I'll have to go back again and keep watching for them.

Such a beautiful day...I think it's 60 degrees out or something. I wish we didn't have to go to the 4:00; I would rather be outside for the rest of the day than stuck in the PR.

I have decided on a set schedule for my days/afternoons off. I will not be running errands on Thursday mornings any more; instead, I will spend the morning in the prayer room studying the Bible before accountability. Or I will go on a meditation and bird-watching hike. It'll be just me, G-d, and Roger Tory Peterson. Sweetness. Thursday evenings will be either sitting in the PR for Misty's set or hanging out with people. Fridays will be my days for doing laundry and errands. Sunday afternoons will be open to whatever I feel like doing.

Guess that's it...oh, I should post on the talented musical people in our building (and in the whole internship, for that matter). And there's a thing with me using poetry for prophetic words...but I need to get ready for the 4:00. They're not feeding us today because of GBF, so I should eat here at home. We have so much food in the apartment right now. The cafeteria bought a ton of stuff for us to take home. We have more food now that we're fasting than when we're eating normally. Weird.

Another evening and another whole day, and then I will be able to talk. I am not sure if I am going to be happy or sad about that. Probably Tuesday evening during Grace's set I will journal about all the stuff I have learned during the fast...will post later.

I can't believe it's Sunday already

Sliker keeps saying that the third month is the hardest, the one in which Onething interns tend to burn out. I don't think that'll be true for me. I think I've gotten over a few hurdles. February was all about taking one step forward and three steps back. Now I feel like I'm progressing slowly but steadily. March is flying by already...time started to speed up near the end of February. We're already a third of the way through our internship, and by the end of this month we'll be halfway. It's going so fast. I am determined to enjoy it as much as possible. I want to start hanging out with people more. When I can talk again, that is.

The funny thing about my fast is that I have not become more isolated. I don't seek people out, but I don't avoid them either. In fact, I have become more openly affectionate toward people. Like, I hug people a lot more. I never used to do that stuff. My family is physically affectionate toward each other on a regular basis, but not really toward outsiders. Whenever I hung out with Wombat1's group of former interns, I noticed they were all very physically affectionate toward each other. I wondered if that would happen in my internship. I think it is. It's kind of weird.

I've also become fairly good at nonverbal communication (with a few grunts, groans, and laughs thrown in). Fel said to me the other day, "You're like a little mime!" Curly, one of our better singers, actually has had mime training. She was doing some stuff in the cafeteria the other day. I'm not at her level, but I know how to get a few simple things across. I've mastered the "oh, you look really nice" up-and-down look (with accompanying wolf whistle), the "how are you today?" gesture, the "no, I'm still not speaking" shrug, and the bug-eyed "will somebody please figure out what I'm trying to say" look.

I've been enjoying not speaking. I've had a sense of peace for the last few days. Usually I get that for one day and then it goes away. But not speaking...that preserves it because I am forced to be in more of a contemplative mood. I can't speak, so I don't waste time thinking about what I should say or did say or am saying. Instead, I think about stuff...I will post on what I learned during my fast when I am done. Things are still percolating in me. I don't think I will see the results of some of them for some time, but a lot of it has to do with being still before G-d and what that actually means. The first few days of my fast were pretty heavily Mary of Bethany stuff. I want to focus more on the topics of our fast during these last few days, though. I am glad I'm being edified and worked on, but that is not the reason for this 40-day fast.

It is so gorgeous outside. Sailor just popped her head in and asked if any of us wanted to go to Shiloh. I was tempted to say yes, but I figured that a bunch of people would be going, and that meant conversation. Even if I hadn't been on a silent fast, I would've said no...I like my nature walks to be quiet. I think I will go to Shiloh again tomorrow. We have a different schedule because of the Global Bridegroom Fast Monday-Wednesday and the conference Thursday-Saturday. I'll have the afternoon off tomorrow. Maybe the trails will be dry by then (it's nice out today, but it rained here yesterday).

I have to finish up a prophecy CD for one of my friends and then go get my laundry. Maybe I'll grab Killer or Stiles and go for a short walk around the neighborhood before supper.

Shiloh

Today I went to the prayer room for the 8:00 set and tried to focus on being before G-d. I don't think I really succeeded. I was pretty restless and my mind kept wandering. I cleaned toilets and the Herrnhut clubhouse in silence, then went home, showered, and decided to go walk in Shiloh.

I had been worried about coming to IHOP because it's technically in the city; I thought I would have to drive an hour or two to a state park if I wanted to get out in the woods. But IHOP owns a piece of property just down the road off of Cleveland Ave. There's a small retreat center in the middle, but mainly the property consists of some small lakes, woods, and trails. I've been there twice before but never found the trails. I did some exploring today and found them. Shiloh's not the same as the park reserve near my house, but it is perfect for what I need: some time to be alone and seek peace.

I walked for an hour in silence, enjoying the sun. The sky was that pristine blue you only see in fall and spring. I saw quite a few birds...could've slapped myself for forgetting my binoculars. I saw a couple huge birds of prey (golden eagles, maybe -- they were really, really big). I envy the interns who work there on beautiful days like this one.

I should go eat dinner. I'm in no rush; it's been about 20 minutes late the past few days. I am still thinking about peace, stillness, listening...I am doing this fast to start learning how to simply be before the Throne, but I am realizing that I don't know much (if anything) about how to do that. Yet I think He is working things in me, much deeper than I realize.

I don't miss talking as much as I did the first day. It's still hard sometimes. Today some of my friends and I were talking about martial arts. I had to use pantomime, the dryboard in the cafeteria, and my interpreter Killer (she is really good at figuring out what I'm trying to say) to communicate. It was frustrating...I love talking about martial arts, and of course someone brings it up when I can't talk.

Oh -- yesterday I did break my fast for accountability. I don't consider that frivolous speech (which is really what I'm fasting: jokes, meaningless interjections, conversations that don't edify anyone). It was really good...we all sat down in the Africa room and then just sat quietly before the L-rd for half an hour as Derek Loux played out in the main prayer room. I am so glad that I have friends who understand that silence is not a bad thing.

Day off

A day off without speech...should be interesting. I already know I'm going to have to break my fast a little if I get my hair trimmed. But no biggie. It's all about the heart posture toward G-d; He's not going to smite me with His mighty right arm of smiting if I say, "A little off the back, please" (I can hear Killer going, "and then you will be smoten!!").

I liked waking up this morning. I slept in till 8:00 and lay in bed for a few minutes. You know that feeling you used to get as a kid when you woke up during the first few weeks of summer vacation? You didn't have anything you had to do that day; all you felt was pure happiness as you thought about what you wanted to do. And you could hear the birds singing their hearts out just outside your window, and the sun was streaming through the curtains, and maybe you could hear someone moving around in the kitchen, and it was summer and you were free. I know that doesn't describe it very well...C.S. Lewis or A.A. Milne could've (and did, I think) describe that summer feeling a lot better. Anyway, I had a little bit of that feeling today. I have the whole day free, except for accountability this afternoon and the 4:00 set, so I am looking forward to getting outside (it's been 70 degrees for the last three days!!!).

This will probably turn out to be a Thursday like all other Thursdays here -- go to Wal-Mart, go to the PR, work on editing recorded stuff, hang out with people. But lately I've been thinking about enjoying the moment. At supper last night, I was hanging with my friends. I had my feet up on Hotness's lap, staring out the cafeteria's back door at the sunset, as we (well, they) cracked jokes and talked about the millenial kingdom. I had a sense of peace...not the supernatural peace I had earlier in the week; it was peace resulting from fellowship and satisfaction with life. I was (and am) so glad to be here in this season. I knew that the next few months would go as quickly as the first two had. Tracey keeps telling us that the third month is the worst (people get burned out and discouraged), but I think I am going to seize this month and appreciate my time here as much as I can. The fast will help keep us focused, but I am going to make an extra effort to make memories.

Speaking of memories, I bought a camera yesterday with which to preserve them. Canon A410 with a case for $130. I wish I'd bought a camera before I came here. It's okay, though -- I would've felt weird about taking pictures with people I barely knew.

I might not update later this morning like I usually do...I don't think I'm going to take my laptop into the PR any more. On Saturday, I really didn't make good use of that Misty set. I enjoyed it, yeah, but I could have used it to sit before the L-rd for a while instead of surfing the Net. I had a similar problem during Grace Falkner's prophetic worship set on Tuesday night. It's one of my favorite sets of the whole week (I love Grace; she is so sweet and has quite a heart for worship) but I wasted about half of it organizing some random stuff instead of worshiping. I think G-d has already chosen to forget that -- He's all about me just hanging with Him and rejoicing with trembling before His throne. He's so happy when I choose to spend time with Him, and He does not condemn me for my weakness even when I do. So if I blog I should do it from the coffee shop or the cafeteria. Or here -- the kitchen table. We get Internet in random places in the apartment building.

I should go run errands now. I think Loch wanted to go with me to Wal-Mart. I'll go find her.

Catching up

And now for our regularly scheduled info dump. Standard warnings apply.

Sunday was pretty good. I definitely felt the peace of G-d all day. I did not take it for granted but just enjoyed it, and the peace stayed around all day. FCF was good...I don't remember what Mike taught on, but it was good.

I still had peace on Monday. More Song of Solomon stuff. I remembered to bring my study guide this time. Yay. Meditation was really good...I thought about verse 14 in chapter two: "O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely." I thought about me and Y'shua hanging out on the top of a hill in the spring sunshine, neither of us saying much but enjoying each other's presence. Pretty personal stuff, yeah. I won't go into it further except to say that has become my happy place. So if you ever tell me, "Go to your happy place," you can bet I'll be sitting on that hill.

I had one of my little hunger/depression things on Tuesday, but G-d snapped me out of it pretty quickly. It's hard to stay in that state during Tuesday's 10:00 and 4:00 sets, where most of IHOP's staff crams into the PR. I wasn't doing too good during the 10:00; Fearless Leader saw me pacing in the back and came over to give me a hug. She had been thinking about me lately, especially since I was recovering from a cold, and she wanted to tell me that I could go home for a few hours if I wanted and have some alone time. I really appreciated her perceptiveness. I mean, it doesn't take a telepath to notice when I'm down -- I get really, really quiet, I avoid people, and (I guess) I fairly radiate pain. But I am glad she noticed. I had to turn down her offer; I know myself too well. If I had gone home, I would have gotten worse. I made myself engage in the intercession set after that. It was very hard; I kept thinking that I should find Fel and take her up on her offer. I got through the set, though, thanks to the Spirit totally nudging me and going, "Hey, remember last time? The part about not being depressed while still being hungry? It's true." So that was that. I really like the Holy Spirit. It's weird to think of Him as a person, though He is. I meditated on that once. I didn't get any extra understanding, but it was still good.

The funny thing is that I decided not to fast...I was already hungry enough for G-d that I was almost in physical pain, so I figured not eating would probably make it even worse. I went to the cafeteria for breakfast, and about a third of the internship came and ate. I guess we were all like, "Yeah RIGHT we're fasting on the day before a 40-day fast!!"

So anyway, Tuesday started off bad and got better. After our six-hour evening in the PR, I decided to stay for an hour of Misty's 10:00 set. Stiles stayed with me (we're kind of late-night PR buddies, since we both need someone with whom to walk home). She was going through her own stuff -- the realization that G-d actually likes you, not just loves you, is pretty heavy. For my part, I was just sitting there soaking in the music and feeling peaceful when I began to think about the first person of the Trinity. Allen Hood had messed us up earlier in class that day with a quote from...I want to say David Brainerd, but I don't remember. Anyway, the quote was about the nature of the Trinity. We were all confused and amazed. That had been percolating in me throughout the afternoon, I suppose. I started thinking about how I focus on Y'shua too much: on His desire for me and on how He wanted a bride so much He died for her/us. I tend to feel closer to the Son for that reason. Tuesday night, I began to realize that the Father's desire toward me is as great as the Son's (John 14:21-23, 16:27, and 17:24-26). He picked me for His Son AND for Himself. As He sits on the Revelation 4 throne over all of the universe, He loves to gaze at me. That blew my mind, man. I was writing in my journal so fast I thought my hand would fall off.

Today, Wednesday, was good. Sliker was funny as usual and gave us mind-blowing premises and questions as usual. I love the End Times class. E-12 went okay...I wrote out a few questions and had someone read them out loud. Um, what else about today? Meals. Meals were really good today. I mean really good. Like, healthy good. Almost everybody in the internship is doing a Daniel fast, which is mostly fruits and vegetables. We are going to be eating like this for probably the whole fast. I am really excited...Deborah's food is usually tasty, but it's almost always full of fat and carbs. The fruit salads, cooked veggies, and soup she made today were amazing, though. And we have extra fruit on the cafeteria rack: along with the usual apples, bananas, oranges, and grapefruits, we now have tangerines and pears. Happy day. Of course there are people doing protein shake fasts (healthy, but...ick), juice fasts, and water fasts. We're all supposed to abide by the IHOP Mission Base's fasting philosophy: "don't ask, don't tell," and so far there's no competitiveness (e.g., "He's only doing a juice fast; I'm doing a water fast, so I must be holier and I will definitely get more revelation than him").

BURN class was good. We usually have short testimonies before Tank or Hill does worship and before Corey preaches. Withit got up and gave a long one. It was really good; I won't go into it right now. Worship got started late, and then of course we had a ministry time (what was it last night? I think it was for the fullness of G-d/refreshing). Corey only had twenty minutes to speak. He's supposed to be taking us through Proverbs 2, but only got halfway through the first verse. As he might say, it was gooood. Oh, some random people from Norway sat in on the class. Afterward, as everybody left, Hill played a bit of a Katie Bennett song that I've been trying really hard to remember: "Step into a shoreless ocean, never to be found again." I had even thought about it during class, so I was really happy she played it. Pickle grabbed a hand drum and accompanied her. Tank, Sailor, and I hung around and sang with her. Well, they sang; I don't call what I do singing. G-d does, though, so it's all good. Loch stayed and walked me home.

Eh...I think that was it. This is the most I've talked all day. Killer just came by and suggested I do what the Muslims do during Ramadan: fast during the day and eat (or talk, in my case) at night. Thanks, Killer. :-P

Silent fast

I started my silent fast this morning. I posted earlier in the day and said I'd broken it a couple times throughout the day. I know I mentioned grace for breaking fasts, but I think my tone (as much as one can have a tone when one is typing) was a little cavalier. I wish to be clear that I take this fast seriously.

I am fasting speech for several reasons: I want to devote more time to focusing my thought life on G-d. I want to think about how the power of intercession, prayer, and worship before the throne does not really depend on which words I choose to say out loud. Finally, I want to cut down on unnecessary/frivolous speech. The speech fast is a big deal for me; I love talking with other people (even though I don't know how sometimes). But I have taken Sailor's word for me to heart. I do not want to interfere with whatever G-d's going to do in me during these seven days (now six). All I am really doing is making more room for Him this week.

I wrote in my journal the other day, "Silence is the place of authority." This is all related to Mary of Bethany (Luke 10:38-42, John 11:1-45, Matt. 26:6-13, Mark 14:3-9, John 12:1-8), who sat at Jesus' feet and anointed Him before His death. Perhaps I'll write more about Mary of Bethany later on; Allen Hood gave an excellent teaching on her during Tuesday's class (I ordered the CD). But as it relates to my silent fast: I am focusing on listening like Mary did. I don't remember hearing any specific teachings on Mary of Bethany before I came here, but I always thought of sitting at Y'shua's feet/listening as something peaceful, gentle, flowing, etc. Sometimes it is like that; when I get peace the way I did earlier this week, I thank Him constantly and appreciate it while I have it. But what I have learned from Mary's example is this: listening to G-d is most often a choice -- a violent choice, an act that is offensive to some. When Mary sat at Y'shua's feet, she defied social norms of the day, the whirlwind of activity around her, even her own emotions and uncertainty. She stayed because she was starving for His wisdom and presence.

So with this fast I am making listening a choice. It is hard...many, many times throughout today I wanted to make a comment, interject my opinion, or answer a question without using sign language, facial expressions, and notepads. Humor has been the biggest hang-up for me, actually. I was hanging out with KitKat during a class break today and I told her (via pulling up MS Word and typing) that I was slightly frustrated by not being able to crack jokes all day. "Oh, well," I typed, "I guess I will just unleash a giant tornado of hilarity next Wednesday." She thought that was funny. It was unfortunately true -- I feel like I'm storing up all of these things inside with no outlet. I guess this is part of the pain of fasting for me....

(Side note: have I mentioned recently how much I love KitKat? She sings, she dances, she plays the piano, and she prays on the mike, all with the heart of an intercessor. That girl has such peace about her. She is one of the youngest people in the internship, yet she definitely has an old soul. I am quite grateful to be accountable to her and to be her friend. But enough bragging on her.)

Before I started the fast, I talked to Carol (who I also love -- she has a lot of wisdom and absolutely loves being in the Word). She did a three-day fast last week, I think, so I asked her for some advice. She gave me a few tips. She also told me how to deal with people: don't advertise your fast, but make sure to let people know (with a note or a sign or something) if they start talking to you; don't just nod, smile, and walk away. Also, don't isolate yourself. Sit at a table with people you know (and who maybe know that you're doing a silent fast). I've kept that in mind today and have managed to hang with my various friends without too much difficulty. Killer is a little bummed that she won't have a "sarcastic partner" for a week; we like doing the Napoleon Dynamite sarcasm thing together. Everybody else is giving me grace, though.

I'm excited about what things the Spirit will work in me during this week. I have been praying that I won't be prideful about my fast -- no one else is doing a speech fast, and definitely not for an entire week. I need to study the humility/meekness of Y'shua. I want to study so many things but there's never enough time.

First day of speech fast

(writing from Dave Sliker's End Times class)

So I decided to fast speech for a week. This is my first day and I've already accidentally broken my fast a few times, usually when somebody asks me a question. I wrote "I am fasting speech" on my hand so I can show people when they try to talk to me, but I am fighting my own social instincts. It's so hard not to respond to someone when they ask you a direct question.

Still...fasting is about grace. G-d doesn't really care that I told Sailor what the temperature would be tomorrow, or that I said "Dude!!!" when Gem and I almost got run over by a minivan while walking to Herrnhut. He's already forgotten it. As Mike Bickle would say, "Hit 'delete' and move on."

The car ride here was nice...Gem and Stiles didn't say anything, respecting my silence. Erni's going back with me because she's in my E-12. Erni likes to talk; I suspect Stiles will have to hold up my end of the conversation as well as her own.

It's going to be hard not speaking in E-12 today, too. But I do think I've got grace for seven days of not speaking...I sure wouldn't have decided to fast speech if I didn't think I was called to it.

More later...I should pay attention to Sliker. He's smart.