Blah blah blah

I have, as usual, a bazillion things to type. I have been promising to update throughout this whole month, I know. I will probably take an afternoon during GBF and do a "month in review" thing, I guess.

What happened today? Ehhh...I cleaned IHOP, as usual. The men's bathroom was surprisingly clean. But it smelled. As usual. I spent the afternoon hanging out with Killer doing stuff on my computer, like transcribing all the poems I've written while here. Most of them stink and need to either be tossed or worked on for at least three more drafts. But whatever. At least I am writing now and then.

I am waiting for supper...should be good. Maui maui with mango sauce. And we have pineapple upside-down cake for dessert. I have wanted to fast for a whole bunch of personal reasons lately, but I can't seem to get started. Food is such an idol for me. It's not wrong to love food; G-d gave us taste buds for a reason -- but when it comes to choosing food or choosing more time for prayer...I've been choosing food. Not cool.

Okay, time to go....

Obsession

Tonight, instead of preaching, Mike had us watch a new documentary on Islamofascism. It's called Obsession. Here's a short description from the website:

Obsession reveals an 'insider's view' of the hatred the [Islamic] Radicals are teaching, their incitement of global jihad, and their goal of world domination. With the help of experts, including first-hand accounts from a former PLO terrorist, a Nazi youth commander, and the daughter of a martyred guerilla leader, the film shows, clearly, that the threat is real.

The documentary was intense. I was not the only one who had to look away during some of the really violent clips. I think everyone at EGS tonight left feeling very shaken and sober.

Saturday nights are when Mike preaches on the End Times. He showed us this documentary on a Saturday for a reason: the problem of Islamofascism is not going to be solved by any human. The documentary tries to end on a positive note: if moderate Muslims take a stand for a culture of life and peace in Islam, they can combat the culture of jihadism. But the documentary's ending rang false to me. I think that the virulent strain of Islamic terrorism is increasing and will continue to increase, despite calls from the moderate Muslims and Western society for peace. At the heart of the matter is the ancient enmity between Isaac and Ishmael, but even deeper than that is Satan's own hatred for Jews and for Christians. The hatred I saw in the eyes of both six- and sixty-year-old Muslims for Israel/America/Britain/Western culture can only be described as demonically influenced....brrr. Coming back to my original point, Islamofascism as portrayed in this documentary is a picture of the End Times when first Jews and then any who stand with them will be mercilessly persecuted.

I said above that I think no human could ever resolve the problem. The Bible says in Daniel 9:27 that when the Antichrist comes he will make a peace treaty with many nations for seven years (one "week" as it says in the verse). He will even make it possible for the Temple to be rebuilt (Daniel 11:31 & other verses make it plain that sacrifices will be offered again in Jerusalem -- for a while). Obviously he will somehow be able to calm down the radical Islamists during that time. I'm not sure how. But obviously that achievement will earn respect and love from the world; how could we not be grateful to someone who finally manages to broker peace in the Middle East? However, what I have learned from my End Times class and discussion group is that he will break the peace treaty after 3 1/2 years. The Antichrist will go into the Temple and declare himself to be G-d (this is the "abomination of desolation" mentioned in Dan. 11:31), and he will begin to persecute Jews and any who stand with them. The terrorism and persecution that I saw tonight in the documentary -- including modern Islamic terrorism and footage of the Nazis -- is just a taste of things to come.

That's a chilling thought to sleep on tonight. Sky and I were talking a few minutes ago about how unready we are for the End Times...suddenly a lot of the stuff that trips me up in my spiritual pursuit seems ridiculous. I am so consumed with "does G-d really like me" and "what are my gifts" and "what am I going to do after the internship" and whatever...G-d does care about my maturity, happiness, etc., but there's a bigger picture. His Son is really coming back and the world is not ready...

Wow. I could talk about the End Times for a lot longer, and I haven't even touched on the part where studying eschatology makes me love Yeshua more and cry out for Him to come back. I just want to say that He's really the only guy who can deal with the problem of Islamofascism once and for all.

I really need to go to bed. We can sleep in a little, since tomorrow we have a slight change of schedule. I am not sure how well I will sleep tonight, espeically given the images burned into my mind from that documentary, but I should at least make a token effort to sleep.

Omigosh

Omigosh I like totally have like a bazillion things say, like I totally went to the mall the other day and got the *cutest EVER* pink Gcci purse. Totally a steal at $370!!! All of my friends are SOOOOO jealous!!!!!!!! And while I was at the mall I met this TOTALLY hot guy and I got his digits and we are SO going out tomorrow night!!!!111!11!!!1


















Okay, just kidding! Ha ha! Boy was that funny. Eh heh heh. Heh. Heh.


Right. Um. So there is no point to this post, except that I haven't posted in a really looooong time and I feel guilty. I actually have a ton to write about, as I have been saying in previous posts, but I just wanted to say that I had a rotten day today. Absotively rotten -- and yesterday was too. I will write more in detail about the rottenness of it all, but I assure you that I am better now. I drove to Shiloh and bawled for about three hours and was like, "Why aren't You answering? I want to be hungry! I want to actually love you! I want an encounter! I want Jesus Christ in His resurrected glorified body to come and stand RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF MY TEARY SNOTTY FACE AND TALK TO ME!!!!!" And G-d said nothing to me, which really stunk. Later on, though, He kind of nudged me and was like, "Hey, you want Me to talk to you? You want encounter? The Word is the place of encounter." Except He said it nicer and didn't really use any words. And I was like, "Oh, right," and opened up the Bible to Isaiah 43 and 44, and it was good. One of the things I was doubting and whining about today was my value, and then He says in Is. 43:1, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine" and in v.3, "For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I gave Egypt for your ransom, Ethiopia and Seba in your place." I also doubted my identity; all today I kept asking, "Who am I? I can spout off all the stuff I've learned: intercessor, bride, friend, worshiper, etc. -- but who am I, really?" He gave me my answer in verse 5 of Is. 44: "'I am the L-rd's.'" All that to say He answered my questions. That's cool. I like Jesus!

So my day turned out well in the end. Some of HoB's friends had the entire internship over for a barbeque, and it was awesome. I had so much fun! I haven't laughed that much in three days. Now I am hanging out with Killer in her apartment. It is fun pretending to be awkward again, especially when we both really are awkward. (But awkard in the cool sense of the word, not the pocket-protector nerd sense of the word. Not that there's anything wrong with nerds, 'cause they sent people to the moon. Nerd power!!!)

That is all for now. Yes. Thank you and good night.

Temperament

I've been thinking about my temperament lately. I just discovered that I am primarily a mix of melancholy (introverted, deep thinker, perfectionist, creative, prone to depression) and supine (gentle, servant heart, likes people and loves receiving affection, fear of rejection, has problems initiating). I want to study my strengths and weaknesses so I can identify why I act or respond in the ways that I do. Sometimes I wish I was different. It's a common desire, I suppose...(more linkage)

Okay, sleepy time. Fearless Leader told me to stay home from EGS, so I am going to bed early. Hurrah.

Still tired

I am still really tired...didn't get enough sleep last night. I should have gone to bed early after getting back from the Passover seder. Instead I went and hung out with HoB and Arco. Grace came home and wanted me to teach her some self-defense moves. Heh...that was so much fun. It's a story in itself...maybe I'll write that later. Suffice to say I got back to my apartment at curfew, keyed up and absolutely wide awake, and didn't sleep well.

Oh, the seder, by the way, was awesome -- I will have to blog about it later. I have so many things to write about, as usual, but I don't have the willpower to sit down and type it all out. Well, I am sitting down already. But I don't want to use my brain right now.

My accountability girls were going to go to Shiloh for a while...sit by the pond, talk, enjoy the sun and the warm weather (currently it's 88 degrees). The way I'm feeling, though, that wouldn't be wise. I need to rest up for EGS tonight...I will probably go home early.

Ack. I still have to do laundry. I don't know when.

Ehhh...what else...oh, right, the story about me instructing Grace Falkner in the secret arts of ninjutsu. Not really...I am not a ninja nor have I ever studied ninjutsu. The prayer room is where this somewhat pointless story begins. Sometime early this week during one of the morning intercession sets, I came back to my seat after visiting the bathroom. HoB and Grace were sitting at the far end of a row of seats, I was in the middle, and a guy was at the other end. The guy was rocking back and forth in his seat, as some IHOPers do when they're engaged in intercession, when they're having a really intense conversation with Jesus, or if they just like the music a lot. I couldn't reach my seat without getting past the guy (or going all the way around the section of seats to climb over the two girls). So I stood there and timed his rocking, then darted past him on his...uh...upstroke. As I had hoped, that got a laugh from my friends. Grace attributed my quickness to my "karate reflexes" and requested that I teach her some stuff. I thought she was joking, but apparently she was serious. So last night I taught her some stuff. HoB, Sardonyx, and Loch got in on the action, too. I am not qualified to teach a self-defense class and I am not allowed to teach the martial art I've studied without express permission from my instructor. However, I figured it couldn't hurt to teach them some really, really basic things. So I showed them how to get free of wrist grabs (same-side and cross) and how to get a guy off of you if he's got you on your back with your wrists pinned. Amid much giggling and a modicum of goofing off, I think everybody actually learned something.

That was a pointless story. But it was fun. Random and fun, that's my life right now. When I'm not being tired and depressed. I'm not depressed right now, though! I've been keeping a pretty even keel over the past few days -- it's so nice to be happy for two or three days in a row. I'm just tired...I hope I can get enough sleep tonight.

Dead tired

Dude. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not the only one...the entire internship is still adjusting to not getting enough sleep again. We got spoiled during break -- eight hours of sleep a night is a luxury compared to the six or fewer that most of us get. Even Corey noticed our exhaustion tonight during BURN class. (The glassy stares might have given us away.) He advised us to get more sleep, eat right, exercise, etc. Which is all good advice if you can actually have control of your own schedule (not to mention meals)! Seriously, I love our schedule because all the guidelines make it easier to strive for excellence...but man is it brutal. At least we can sleep in tomorrow. I may do that workout video with some of the girls tomorrow...they do it at 6:00 a.m. most mornings (way too early for me), but on Thursdays they start at 10:00 a.m. to let everyone get some shut-eye.

I have a couple days to sleep in this week. I am excited. I love giving my extra time to the place of prayer, but sometimes you just gotta sleep. Speaking of which....

P.S. I am going to a Passover seder tomorrow. I am excited! I have to dress up, though. That means wearing a skirt. D'oh.

A lot has happened in the last few days: the Global Bridegroom Fast, the Israel Mandate conference, and the 4O-day fast all ended last week. The resumption of our normal schedule and meals has been weird. Boots, one of the interns, left. Buckeye, one of our core leaders, returned. I can't say life has gotten back to normal; there is no such thing as normal here. What else...? Oh, I'm in one of my slumps again. But I don't think this one is going to turn into ''nobody likes me; everybody hates me; guess I'll go eat worms.'' I just feel like being alone and thinking about spiritual poverty. Man, the Beatitudes are messing me up. Blessed are the poor in spirit - those who realize that we have nothing to offer G-d, that we have no righteousness of our own, and that G-d blesses people who realize that. I want to say more, but my thumb is already sore from typing all this. I am not sure when I'll have a chance to pull out my computer, though - I have a lot to do this week.

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Conference today

Today is my day off, but the Israel Mandate conference has its first session at 2:00 today. I'll probably spend the morning in the PR and then go to the session. Stiles' mom is in town, so we won't be meeting for accountability. Bummer, since we haven't done it since before break. But I understand -- mom time comes first. :-)

Eh...what else is there to say? Oh, Sky went shopping with me yesterday. We were going to do a quick run to Wal-Mart; instead, we ended up going to a bunch of places for a bunch of different stuff and took three hours. (We didn't have FSM classes, since they are cancelled for the Global Bridegroom Fast.) I got some sneakers that'll go with shorts or capris. My feet do not like sandals, so now I have another option.

I'm sure you were just dying to know all of that. I am glad I was able to help you out. Toodles.

I won a prize

For what seems like the first time in my life, I actually won a contest. Well, I got second prize, but close enough.

Our End Times binders were due last Monday. Sliker announced that they would give prizes for the best binders. Helena looked them over Monday night as Wes was teaching GRID class, checking to see if we had all of our notes from Dave Sliker's End Times class and Saturday night EGS. She gave bonus points for creativity, extra notes, etc. Also for chocolate. Yes, chocolate! The day before binders were due, she grabbed the mic after our Sunday intern intercession set and announced, "I will be judging the binders. I do accept bribes. Chocolate and money, specifically." I guess most people thought she was joking. I knew she wasn't. I put some Dove dark chocolate in the binder. I also wrote a note about my bad handwriting and about the doodles of edged weapons on my session notes, hoping to score extra points for creativity. It was the candy that really did it, though. Yesterday before BURN class they announced the prizes. Timber got first (she did a scrapbooking creative thingy; everybody expected her to win), I won second place (because of the chocolate), and Monty got third (for neatness and organization). Second and third prizes were the same: for the next week, Monty and I get to skip the line for lunch and dinner. It's an okay prize, I guess. But I actually like waiting in line because I can talk with people. Oh well. I actually won something! That makes me happy.

Back in MO

I am now sitting at the kitchen table in my apartment. Yesterday I drove through some hair-raising thunderstorms (I pulled over at a rest stop when I heard someone say "funnel clouds" on the radio), but I made it okay. I even went to a bonfire at Shiloh with about twenty interns, but I realized I needed a bit more alone time. I went to the prayer room for about twenty minutes of Clay Edwards' set. Man, that alto sax player on his team is my hero. I couldn't get to sleep when I got home, so I went downstairs and read Song of Solomon. Got stuck on 2:4 -- "He brought me to the banqueting house [lit. "house of wine"], and his banner over me was love." I just started thinking about why Yeshua would bring me to His wine house. He wants to rejoice over me in public, letting His friends see His happiness. He wants me to relax, delight in His company, and enjoy being celebrated by Him. Imagine the endless supply of exotic foods and drinks that a royal banqueting house would have. It reminds me of the river of pleasures in Ps. 36:8 -- "They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, and You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures." That's awesome.

Today I slept in till about 9:00. I ate breakfast while meditating on the second half of SoS 2:4...His banner is the thing that identifies Him. Like, in the old days, kings would have their banner carried into battle. It identified them and gave a boost to the troops' morale. The soldiers could look up at the banner and go, "That stands for what we fight for. That stands for our king. He's still fighting and so should we." So the fact that He would put His banner over me and say, "She is Mine; she is under My protection and My ownership." Banners would have heraldric symbols on them to denote the king's house, country, etc. -- but the only thing on His banner is love. That's, like, way cool.

So I am not sure if I should do all my bank statements right now. I have a few from the past months, plus a whole bunch of receipts, all piled up on the table. But Princess just came over and told me there's going to be a picnic in a nearby park. I am not sure if I should go; I don't want it to turn out like the bonfire. It's such a gorgeous day out, though. It's fairly chilly, but the sun is shining, the clouds are slowly clearing, and, in my absence, the grass has turned completely green. On the other hand, I really need to catch up on my finances. I guess I will stay here. Maybe I will go to the prayer room later.

''I'll leave my father's house, I'll leave my mother's, I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other.'' Yes, I am on the road again, on my way back to KC. Just crossed the border into Iowa. Five and a half hours to go.

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Home on break

So I've been home for a while. In some ways it's as if I never left. It's been weird, though...my family has settled into the rhythm of life without me just as I have settled into the rhythm of life at IHOP. It's a little jarring for everyone for me to be back home. We're all enjoying it, though.

The best part about being home is being around my family and friends again. I've had several deep talks with people...I really enjoyed talking to the Shogun that first night I was home. He asked me some deep questions and I was able to respond in ways I couldn't've before the internship. I also had a great talk with MochaMom Thursday night...not great in terms of the subject matter, which I shall not mention, but I know I would not have been able to talk with her about it if I had been my old self. We went shopping the next day while my car's oil was being changed and had a good time. As good a time as I ever have while shopping, that is. I do not like shopping. It makes me tired and cranky. But I had some quality time with my mom, so that made me happy. Later that night I hung out with Griffin again. We wandered aimlessly around Barnes & Noble and PetCo, then went back to her place and played with the cats again. Ky and Sage are so cute...I think I may get a cat at some point in my life. Anyway, it was good to see Griffin again. I called some of the other EWOKs, but XF didn't answer and Beastwoman called back too late. Kiln and I might hang together tonight, but I'm not sure if it'll work out.

I've enjoyed seeing my sisters again. Earlier today I took my youngest sister, Shannon, to get Panera bagels. We sat in her room, ate, talked, and prayed. I took her some places in the Bible and she got the fear of G-d. It was awesome. The Holy Spirit totally led me. I just hope I didn't scare her too much with all that Revelation 4 stuff...I made sure to hit John 17 too. Actually I hit a whole bunch of verses. I think I overloaded her a bit. But it's good to explode the box.... I'm taking Rebecca out later this evening and I hope to have an equally awesome time with her. Um, what else. Oh, we had lunch as a family, including my grandma, at Good Earth. That food was good, man! I would've enjoyed it even if I hadn't been Daniel fasting. Grandma was glad to see me, but sad about the news that I plan to stay in KC after the internship.

So that's about it. Just hanging with family and friends. My family's going to church together tomorrow, then going out to eat again at a dim sum place. I want to spend some time with my brother after lunch. Then I have to pack. I am leaving around 3:00 or 4:00 on Sunday. Sardius and Garner are probably going to go back home with Hatter. He has plenty of space in his car (and, I assume, a trunk that's not sticky like mine) and he is leaving on Monday. The girls wanted to go home then, so that works out fine. I will have had my time here and then a day in KC to go to the PR, hang with people there, and have a day to recover from driving. Sweet! Everybody gets what they want.

I think I've done break pretty well...I am glad for Sliker's talk and I have taken his advice. I'm looking forward to the drive back. Although I won't have people to interact with, I have a whole bunch of teaching CDs and music CDs, and I can call some people. Oh, HoB called me today, as she promised. That made me so happy! I love HoB. I talked to Killer the other day, which also made me happy. It doesn't take much. In fact, I am just steadily happy right now. It's been a nice change from my drastically changing emotional seasons at IHOP. I've even enjoyed my short periods of boredom. Such a novelty.

So that's about it. Right, then. I'm going to grab Rebecca and go have some sisters time.

Days before break

Here I am in Minnesota at my parents' kitchen table. Using dial-up. I'm happy about the former, not happy about the latter.

Yeah, so I'm on break right now. I guess I should type up all the stuff that's happened to me over the last few weeks. I have to consult my journal to remember everything; stuff's just becoming a blur.

*starts reading journal*

*reading*

*still reading*

*yet more reading*

Okay, tell you what. I'll do the Cliff Notes version to spare you, dear reader, from the agonizing details. Eh...let's see.

3/19: I thought about how, by Yeshua's blood, we're made as clean as He is. That's a mind-blower right there.

3/20: The mind-blowing continues. Fel made us meditate on "G-d likes me" instead of Song of Solomon today. I felt worse after I started than when I began. I was in one of my moods again and couldn't accept -- actually, wasn't willing to accept -- that statement. I was waaaaay too aware of my own pride and just general ickyness. I got some encouraging prayer from people (shout-outs to Erni and Killer) and started to feel better. But then something embarrassing happened to me right before GRID class and I just started to hate on myself. Not cool. Like, I was pacing outside the seminar room, freezing in the 30-degree evening, angry with myself and the people around me. I was in the dumps, man. Definitely not cool. I was getting tired of these cycles of self-disgust, so I sought out Fel later that night. I spilled my guts and then asked her if what I was going through was normal. What she said really hit me: "You're, like, the tenth person I've talked to today about this. It's normal. I mean, how long have you been seriously been pursuing G-d's love for you? Three months?" When she put it that way, my issue made sense. I'm not solid enough in my identity; it's no wonder I keep questioning my value in His eyes. Fel told me to do some preemptive praying -- analyze why I keep going through these cycles and how I can keep from falling into depression. I felt better after talking to her. She got a really cool prophetic picture of me while we were praying. Something about me with a sword...I've had several words that have a distinct military flair. Hey, G-d knows what I like. =D

3/21: Meditation, class, all-staff intercession...the usual.

3/22: I felt my immaturity that day. I mean, we were supposed to be doing this 40-day fast for major stuff -- Israel and Islam and abortion and all sorts of stuff -- and I felt nothing. I had a tough time worshiping, meditating, and interceding; I felt like a baby Christian. I had no righteousness of my own, no holiness, nothing to bring before G-d. So I was feeling bad again. Later I read some notes Fel had given me from her Romans class on the gift of righteousness, and they messed me up some. Here's what Matt Candler says in his notes: the difference between unsaved sinners, new believers, and mature believers is simply "consistency to cooperate":

There is absolutely no element of earning [maturity in G-d -- or earning anything, for that matter]. Therefore the logical conclusions are (1) there need not be any drawing back when we stumble, and (2) we can have confidence that we will mature becasue our maturity is not based on our ability. Therefore it is just our decision for faith and obedience [that produces maturity].

So the gift of righteousness is truly a gift, freely offered and freely received. So is the gift of maturity.

3/23: I was going to fast and be all holy and junk, except G-d started talking to me. I was thinking about maturity again. Here is what I wrote in my journal:

Contending and fasting and being consistent in doing so -- being obedient -- only make a place for You to come. You could withhold the things I'm asking for [if You wanted]...it is You who decides what, when, how, and upon whom You will bestow gifts. I can do nothing to deserve [or cause] maturity or the gifts of the Spirit except to bring myself in line with Your heart by living rightly.

After that I didn't feel any call to fast or whatever. I think I had imagined it. So I went and made a smoothie and helped Erni with her computer. It was good.

We got some sobering news later in the day. Buckeye, one of the girls' core leaders, had had a tragedy in her family. Her mom died unexpectedly. She had to go home to take care of her family and to attend the funeral. A bunch of people at IHOP were praying for her. Killer grew up with Buckeye and so she knew her mom very well. I didn't see her that day but I imagine she took it pretty hard. I prayed for her when I prayed for Buckeye.

3/24: Loch and I sat with Killer in the PR today. She was really sad. We didn't say much. I prayed silently and then wrote her a poem.

3/25: We played dodgeball for M.I.F. today. Sliker is having each core group take turns planning corporate M.I.F., and obviously it was one of the guys' core groups. Dodgeball was fun, but some of the guys got really intense and scary. They were throwing pretty hard. I'm fairly athletic and I'm used to being hit because of martial arts, but I was glad when the games were over. It's the girls' turn the next time we have corporate M.I.F. Goldie told one of the guys we'd be doing pedicures. Or maybe arts and crafts. Or baking. You know, something EVERYBODY will enjoy. :-P

3/26: The last few days before break...the Onething leadership really challenged us to recommit for these last few days. During PR briefing, Fel encouraged us to push hard. What I thought was interesting was that she defined push hard as engaging in the prayer room and classes, but also taking time to journal, to recharge, to be quiet and listen. After briefing, we meditated on the Beatitudes again. The thing that jumped out at me was "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see G-d." I was really excited about the last half of the verse. I never got to it, though. I started confessing my sins and then got stuck on the first half of the verse. It was really good. Later that night we went out to Cold Stone for Killer's birthday (she was doing a bit better by then, emotionally -- plus I gave her the best presents EVER: a dorky hat and a coupon for a hot date with moi). Yes, that means I broke my sugar fast. On a giant cone. Not wise. I think I only got six hours of sleep.

3/27: Very very tired. I didn't even try to meditate when we got to the PR that morning...I found an empty row of chairs, lay down, and totally checked out. I was thinking about our long day: four PR hours, lunch, three hours of teaching, two hours of the all-staff meeting (which is usually boring -- one hour of announcements and then Mike exhorts us). I said to G-d, "Dude, I cannot do this day. I seriously cannot do it." Oddly, that was freeing. I couldn't get through the day on my own strength, so I had to give it over to Him. From that point on my day was amazing. I got sweet revelation (as we interns say) during meditation. Jesus basically smacked me over the head and was like, "I desired you even in your unworthiness and sin, when you hated Me and did not know Me. How much more do I desire you now that my blood has covered you, made you beautiful, and brought you near?!" My day just got better from there. I did space out a few times during Corey's class, but I chalked that up to physical exhaustion (I shotgunned a Dr. Pepper during break and that helped). I mean, even the staff meeting was awesome! And GRID class...oh man...Wes Martin taught on the Beatitudes. I want poverty of spirit. I want it now. Goooood.

3/28: After briefing, Loch pulled me aside and prayed for me. She said she felt like I'd been looking in a dim mirror most of my life (like Paul says in 1st Cor. 13:12 -- mirrors back then weren't very clear). G-d has been giving me progressively brighter mirrors. But I tend to flip them over to the side that really magnifies you and shows you every flaw...I focus too much on my own darkness. He keeps trying to flip the mirror back and say, "You're not perfect, but to Me you are all fair!" It's so true. I really am too hard on myself. Good meditation after that...Luke 13:10-17, about the woman who was all bent over. I pictured the scene in the synagogue and thought about what she felt, what Jesus felt, what her friends felt, etc. Later on in the day we had Allen's class. We somehow got onto the subject of demons and did a little deliverance session. It was amazing. Nobody started talking in an eerie voice or projectile vomited, so I guess we focused more on inner healing. I didn't think I needed prayer, but I was wrong. Sky prayed for me. She is such a treasure. Love that girl.

3/29: Last day of the first half of the internship.... After everything that happened the day before, I slumped into depression again. The Spirit had told me yesterday that my major issues -- self-condemnation, fear of man (meaning I seek approval and stuff from other people, rather than G-d), and problems with loving other people -- were rooted in identity...that I didn't know who I was. I got Fel to pray for me during our devotional time in the PR, since she has heard a lot of this stuff from me before. It was really good, and I felt somewhat better after that. I think G-d is going to start teaching me how to see myself the way He does. That's a tough one for me, but I'm excited about what He's going to do. Anyhoo. End Times class was good. E-12 was canceled to give people time to pack. It took me about fifteen minutes to pack; I used the rest of the time to fill up my car and get it washed. BURN class was weird...almost everyone was in a restless mood. Even Corey goofed off and told jokes before he started his sermon. A couple people left right after class ended, eager to get break started. I meant to get to bed early, but Sky came upstairs to hang out with me and discuss the scarf she was going to knit for me, and then went downstairs to listen to Helena playing the keyboard, accompanied by CJ and Stiles. I was still feeling a little down, so I had a good cry in the bathroom before bed about some stuff (mostly related to how much I love music and how much I wish I could play it and why did G-d make me this way but no He's a good leader and He made me this way for a reason and on and on and on, for about twenty minutes). I felt better after that. Brit noticed my puffy eyes and chided me gently: "You're too hard on yourself." She's right. I've decided I am going to stop saying how dorky/awkward/uncool/annoying I am. It's not good to speak that stuff over myself, and I'm really doing it only so that my friends will say, "That's not true, Dayenu -- I like you!" Although I was expounding upon my own dorkiness one time and Stiles was like, "Dude. You're a dork every day. It's why were're friends." That actually made me feel better.

3/30: After a short night's sleep, Garner and Sardius met me at my car. We packed and left around 7:00. Ran into some traffic leaving KC but it's all good. Garner started reading from the gospel of Mark, and then we jumped to Genesis and got stuck on the first few verses. We got some sweet revelation, dude. I was surprised to reach Des Moines...usually it seems to take forever to get that far. But with G-d all things are possible, w00t!! Garner put in a CD called Martyr's Mix and that got us home in good time. I think we only stopped two or three times on the way. It rained a lot, and naturally the driver's side wiper didn't work right, but we made it back to MN all right.