Quote of the day

Sitting in my cubicle, I tuned in to this conversation. Wish I knew what brought it on.

Coworker #1: "I am a vampire."
Coworker #2: "But you're a cute, nice, sweet little vampire!"
Me: *chokes on tea*

I love my officemates.

I hate Windows

Dear Diary, today my computer locked up. Because of my mouse.

I was minding my own business, just typing and checking Bible references, when the computer decided not to recognize my mouse any more. The mouse was summarily dis-invited from the little Windows party that the monitor, network cable, and other plug & play devices were having. Most likely they were tired of the mouse's squeaky scroll wheel. That's really not cool, man...take a hike, eh?

I flailed hopelessly at the keyboard. The Windows key ignored me; Left Control and Escape were obviously in on the whole thing; and Right Control, Alt, and Delete were off playing Dance Dance Revolution. I unplugged and replugged the mouse. The system tray spastically popped up messages about detecting new hardware, unknown USB devices, and failure to install, repeating them again and again like a loopy answering machine. (The best one included the line, "For assistance in solving this problem, click this message.") I unplugged the mouse again, eyeballed the USB connector, considering praying over it, and replugged the mouse.

Moments later, the mouse was back.

I hope Vista's better. I doubt it.

Edit note:It just happened again. Trying a new USB port this time. Oy.

Trampling the garden

I had about three posts I was going to type that would lay myself bare, detailing my dissatisfaction with my spiritual immaturity, the heart issues that cause my difficulty in relating to my prayer room team, and my hang-up with the question of...never mind. In short, I decided not to write those posts. I didn't feel right about sharing them.

Lately I have been pausing to consult with Holy Spirit before I speak about such things. For instance, I might be about to spill the innermost workings of my heart to someone—even a close friend, someone who's already seen me vulnerable and confused—but I will feel caution that I know is not from me. The Spirit doesn't outright command me, "Don't say this and that"; He leaves it up to me. But I've been taking His advice, because I am beginning to realize that not everything should be shared with others. (At least not right away.)

Today I was at a seminar in which the speaker, Benjamin Atkinson, was talking about sharing deep stuff with each other, specifically dreams we've had or prophecies we've been wondering about. If a friend tells you their dream, he said, "they are asking you to come into their garden, their secret place with the L-rd, where it's just them and Jesus. In trying to interpret the dream or prophecy, we end up running around the whole garden like a madman, instead of staying in one small area. But the L-rd may have planted some tender young bulbs over there, and you just trampled them."

I'm not saying that believers should never tell each other what's going on in their hearts or ask a friend to help interpret the symbols in a dream. But we need to be careful when we share these things and who we share them with. The L-rd gives us things constantly. It's our responsibility to steward them. And I'm finding that sometimes stewarding means silence. I feel like He's saying to me, "Take what I have given you and let Me talk to you about it for a while. Don't go running to others. Don't let people, however well-meaning, trample in your garden. I don't want you to lean on others' understanding so much. Come to Me first."

The apostle James said to bridle the tongue. I think he was talking about more than sarcasm, swearing, un-edifying prophecies, and proud speech. I think we are supposed to be careful about how we share our hearts with each other. Timing is a big issue. If you had a dream two years ago that you are supposed to move to China, of course you should talk to the spiritual authority figures in your life and to your friends and family. But if you just had an awesome quiet time with the L-rd and He spoke some very intimate things to you, don't rush out immediately and announce it to your family or whatever.

I've been guilty of blabbing. But as I share, I've often felt a sense of wrongness. It's too late, though; the words have been said. So I'm trying to listen more these days before the words are said. If you wait, you can always say it later.

Anyway. I'm tired and I never think that I make much sense when I'm tired. Going to sleep.

New focus, new blog

There's been a lot of chatter on IHOPer blogs lately about blogging and about our purpose in doing so. As I follow the conversations, I've been thinking about sharpening the focus of this blog a little. I originally started this blog as a diary that my family could read during my internship. As my environment and lifestyle have changed, however, this blog has changed too. I think I would like to start to present a more refined face to the world: a blog that is more focused on the Habbakuk 2:1–2 mandate to write:

I will stand my watch and set myself on the rampart, and watch to see what He will say to me, and what I will answer when I am corrected. Then the L-rd answered me [Habakkuk] and said: "Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie."

As Shawn Blanc has said,

The Lord has given you something to say. He has put the Word in your heart. What if one of the mediums for you to share your faith is through your blog? ...If we will speak encouragement and truth on our blog we are already tapping into the prophetic testimony of Jesus. And that is just a starting point. I think the Lord has given many of you an audience on your blog and you have an invitation to steward them. To speak the revelation that He has put in your heart.

I'm going to continue doing what I've been doing, but with the occasional effort to "write the revelation" and blog about the prayer movement. Rest assured I will continue with my usual occasional silliness, however; I am constitutionally incapable of refraining from it.

Shawn has been trying to get Blogspot users to switch to Wordpress, another blogging site. I took a look at it and liked what I saw. So far Wordpress doesn't support migrating post-beta Blogger accounts to Wordpress, but when they do, I will move this blog over there. It'll have a new look, a new name, a redefined purpose, and be a better venue for my thoughts.

I have to confess something, though. Although my hopes and goals for my blog are to glorify the L-rd, keep my family up-to-date, and entertain the occasional visitor, I have a desire not so deep in my heart to belong. There's a definite "in crowd" of IHOP bloggers, people who are on each other's blogrolls and have dialogues with each other in the comments sections. I have my few faithful readers (shoutouts to my family, Amy, Steph, Kate, and whoever else is lurking out there [blast you, Sliker!]), but I wish I had a regular audience...people who would give me feedback on stuff from the viewpoint of this little community we share in KC.

I need to lay that aside. My responsibility is to steward what I've been given—some writing ability and a slowly unfolding understanding of the Bible. Yeshua told us that those who advertise their righteousness get what they want on the earth. "Assuredly, I say to you, they will have their reward," He said (Matthew 6:2,5,16). Remaining humble and not looking for honor for men is the only way if I want what I do to have lasting value.

So during my future switch to a new blog, I will give up my desire for fame and acceptance, and my belief that my words are valuable in themselves. All I have is from Him; I was worthless when He found me, and without Him, I am nothing.

On that cheery note, I will bid you goodnight. Oh, and I want chocolate. But then, I always do.

Woohoo!!! Also, ice.

After two weeks without a working computer, my computer cord finally arrived. I was supposed to get it last week, but we had a major ice storm (part of the Midwest winter weirdness) and that affected the parcel service. Some of the roads were (and still are) sheer ice. For a while, they were so slippery that even the big UPS trucks probably couldn't get much traction. We've had so much bad weather that schools were closed, church services were cancelled, and we were advised by the news channels, in all seriousness, on how to properly shovel our driveways.

I shrugged off most of the bad weather and got around fine most days. On Monday I left the house to go to work and found about an inch or two of ice on my windshield. I'd forgotten to leave enough time for scraping. My Southern friends think I have mad scraping skills (an byproduct of growing up in the Land of Ice and Snow, a.k.a. Minnesota), but that windshield took a while. I realized I was going to be late for work.

So I was mildly irritated and out of breath by the time I finally finished scraping. I went to chuck my scraper in the car, whereupon I realized that one of my tires was, in effect, flat. (It has a slow leak...doesn't do well in cold weather...or any weather, for that matter.)

Even more irritated, I scooted out of my driveway, completely forgetting about the road conditions. I came out a little too fast, overshot the road, and ended up in the neighbors' driveway without enough traction to get back on the road. (I managed to knock their little lamppost askew in the process, but they're pretty easy-going and are not pressing charges. :-P) After giving myself a talking-to, I had to knock on the neighbors' door and borrow some of their road salt. The salt, mixed with what looked like windshield washer fluid, was frozen solid. I had to break it up with a shovel. By that time I wasn't irritated any more, just resigned.

After I got some salt under the tires, I had enough traction to get back up to the road...and then to crawl veeeeery slowly up to the gas station. I ended up being an hour late for work. Good times, good times. I am just glad we didn't lose power like everyone in Springfield, MO did.

They say we're going to have another storm this weekend. I say let it come. My computer will keep me warm.

Authority

All believers know they have authority in G-d's name. But do we know it intellectually or viscerally? When was the last time we made a stand and said to the enemy, "You cannot have me"?

I have been struggling with an area of sin lately. Though I fight it, sometimes I just feel like sitting down and crying.

Today I said to the L-rd, "I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. Please, please save me from myself."

Get up.

"What?" I said.

Get up. Stand on your feet and denounce it. You have all authority in my Son. Get up.

I did what He said—stood up physically and took a stand spiritually. Told the enemy off, in other words. I didn't feel like a weight had been magically lifted off my shoulders afterward. I did feel more confident.

Mike preached on authority last Sunday. He talked about a lot about how we need to be more proactive in warring against sin, especially in dealing with spiritual factors. He said, "When we use our authority, we remove the added pressure that demons bring to our problems, making it much easier to solve physiological, psychological, and sociological problems." Personally, I don't see demons around every corner. I'm about as sensitive as a brick when it comes to those things. I wouldn't be able to spot a possession/influence case unless the affected person started speaking in unearthly voices or projectile vomited right on me (...ew). I tend to wonder about physical and social causes of addictions, crimes, etc., more readily than I do spiritual causes. But I know that spiritual influences (from both sides) are real, if often more subtle than we realize. Exercising our authority helps deal with the other factors in areas of sin. I think it also strengthens our identity and makes it harder for the enemy to attack us in that area after we keep fighting back.

Mike added, "We are not to think that exercising our authority against Satan attack will automatically cancel out the wrong life choices that we make (physiological, psychological, sociological areas)." Once we grab ahold of the authority He's given us, we have a responsibility to live under the law of grace (Romans 6:14–15) and in our identity as the redeemed. I think that means running from temptation and asserting our authority often.

The enemy comes to the throne in heaven to accuse us day and night (Revelation 12:10). That's his form of intercession. We have a free pass to stand before that same throne to intercede for ourselves as well. But He has already given us everything we need to fight: the Name, the blood, the law of grace, the living Spirit of G-d Himself.

Demons do howl in the darkness. We don't need to listen.

You are of God, little children, and have overcome [the enemy], because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:4–5)

Read Mike's notes.

Nametag pride

My friend Steph wrote about identity, security, and pride the other day. She's taking a break from the music school, becoming part of what the IHOP culture calls "a nameless, faceless generation"...people who pray without exalting themselves, without looking for honor from others—people who are hidden in prayer, serving in secret. She took off her nametag, and here's what she has to say:

I find myself utterly devoid of title, unnamed and more or less unknown ... This is a good place to be. This is where God meets people and starts to whisper to them who they really are.

Read her post; it's short and it's good.

I too have felt "nametag pride." Mostly during conferences, when I think, "Look at all these people. They're just visitors, but I belong. I have a nametag. I'm on the Sacred Trust wall. I am a regular part of the prayer room. I am somebody."

Then I realize I've been talking about myself so much that I haven't spent much time with the L-rd. And when I try to pray, I am as dry as dead bones. A coat of whitewash slapped over the dusty hidden place, hiding empty darkness...no light because I have no oil...no echoes because I said nothing...

My name is written in the book of life. That's the only place of honor that should matter, the only identity that should matter.

My job is to serve in the place of prayer. That's what I should spend my time and energy focusing on, not on promoting myself and building up my pride.

Yeshua knew humility. Thirty years in isolation, training in obedience and identity and constant prayer. Forty days in the desert. He knew His identity and His mission when He came out of that wilderness, and not once did He puff Himself up with pride. I need to be more like Him.

Thanks for the wake-up call, Steph.

Computer problems

So my computer's battery ran down the other day and I plug it in, right? Except it didn't charge. Turns out the AC adapter doesn't work...thankfully it's not the port on the computer, which would be more expensive to fix. Until Dell sends me a new power cord, my blogging is going to be rather limited.

My computer hasn't given me much trouble in the years I've had it. But I am looking forward to upgrading when I save up the money...I hear that some people are able to keep all of their pictures and music on their computer at the same time (shock! Amazement!). Think I"ll wait until the summer when the back-to-school ads roll out.

Dell's treated me all right so far. But I'm considering getting HP or Gateway. Opinions? (A Mac is out of the question unless there is a sudden financial outpouring of blessing upon my life.)

Resolute

No 2006 retrospective post, I think...goodness knows I'm nostalgic and sentimental enough without looking back yet again at my internship! 2006 was a year of change; I think I increased in wisdom and experience in some surprising areas. But I have to say I'm looking forward to the new year.

I've never made a big deal out of New Year's resolutions. But yesterday a friend asked me what my goals/resolutions were for this year, and it turns out I had a few. The L-rd has been bringing quite a few things to my attention lately, revealing stuff He has been working in my heart. Here is the answer I gave my friend:

Spiritual goals

• Pray for Israel every day. They are my people, but I need to really understand and feel the L-rd's heart over them. I want to be able to cry out in prayer from that understanding: "I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they shall never hold their peace day or night. You who make mention of the L-rd, do not keep silent, and give Him no rest till He establishes and till He makes Jerusalem a praise in the earth." (Isaiah 62:6-7)
• Go deeper into intercession, learning my authority in prayer before the throne.
• Live in wholeheartedness and be "holiness to the L-rd" (Zechariah 14), a consecrated vessel.
• Resist the sins that so easily ensnare me, learning to use effective weapons in spiritual warfare (Hebrews 12; 2 Corinthians 10; all of Romans) so I can live in freedom.
• Learn to wait on the L-rd in terms of relationships; really give Him the remaining time in my vow.
• Increase the amount of time I spend reading the Bible and praying outside of the prayer room.
• Love Jesus more. Ministry, service, and everything else should come out of loving this Man.

Non-spiritual (well, sort of) goals

• Be on time to things, and especially be faithful with my Sacred Trust (the schedule I registered with IHOP's staff office).
• Get my finances in better order.
• Get an IRA and start investing.
• Get health insurance.
• Save up for a new laptop and a new (well, used, but new to me) car.

So I have resolutions now. What do I do with them? I think I need to be faithful and not lose sight of my goals. What does the act of resolving signify, anyway?

"Resolution" means that you are determined and focused on something. It's related to "resolute." The definition of "resolute" is "(1) firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion; (2) characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc." I think the root word of "resolution" and "resolute" is "resolve." The Latin root means to unfasten, loosen, release.

At first I was puzzled. To me, "resolution" seems to be a focused determination, not a loosey-goosey whateverness. But upon further examination I think that resolving to do something is a focusing and an articulation of inner conviction. Making a resolution presupposes a determined heart and spirit; it takes that firmness and conviction, focuses them, and releases them in articulation.

That's what happened yesterday, I guess. G-d took the stuff that had been percolating inside me and made me focus it, then release it for myself and for others to hear. Pretty cool. We will see how it goes this year.

What about you folks out there in reader-land? What are your goals and desires for the next year?

After the storm

Greetings, dear readers. I trust you have been comporting yourselves well during my absence these last few days. As for myself, I have been fighting off a little stomach bug. I think my stomach was having a delayed reaction to the diet I was on during the Onething Conference (which happened to be breakfast bars, brats, the occasional PB&J sandwich, and a Frostie). But I have triumphed.

I'm still tired from the conference. (Not as tired as the bookstore people; the truck company that was supposed to provide transportation for the stacks and stacks of product never showed, so they were up until the wee hours getting everything back to IHOP from the conference center.) I feel like I just want to hibernate for the winter. So the prayer room was hard for me the last few days. At least it was pretty to look at. The PR went through some redecorating while I was gone--the Onething Conference is the only time IHOP can recarpet the PR or build stuff, because everyone, including staff, is away at the conference.

Anyway. I survived the middle of the week and met my two big deadlines. (I hate having deadlines right after vacation. Feh, I say.) Currently I am sitting and waiting for a manuscript proof to print on Tyler's dreadfully slow laserjet. The latest entry in our office's parade of printers has not been installed yet...thus the slow but reliable laserjet. I am working on another project, gnawing on stale licorice and thinking about nothing much in particular.

I think I'm going to go home early to work. My adopted family just got the prayer room webcast, so I can crank it up and listen as I work. Yes, I know, the PR is only a few steps away from my office, but the new lighting is horrible. Can't see anything. And when they rearranged the chairs, they took out a bunch of the tables. I don't feel like fighting for space with all the other people who want to spread out their laptops, massive study Bibles, and stacks of commentaries. Plus, at home there is food. I like food. After being on a diet of Saltines and water the last few days to settle my stomach, I really like food.

I promise I will do a Onething Conference infodump at some point. Here is the nutshell version to tide you over: about ten or fifteen thousand people praised Jesus for a couple days in downtown KCMO. Some cool stuff happened. Some not-so-cool stuff happened. Mostly it was exhausting. I am glad it is done.

P.S. I keep adding to the blogroll...the latest add is Ian and Jocelyn (a.k.a. Bean and Fearless Leader--Joce was my core leader during the internship). They are both amazing people. I am looking forward to reading Ian's posts. He has a ton of wisdom.