Sometimes I am suddenly conscious of the fact that I live in my own head. Has that ever happened to you? In the course of your day, you abruptly find yourself watching your own movements and listening to yourself speak. I'm not talking about a sociopathic detachment. I am speaking of a kind of wonder: of the realization that I am me.
We are incapable of holding onto that understanding in everyday life. It's a kindness, really; if you spent all day watching yourself, you would naturally progress to second-guessing yourself, and eventually you'd drive yourself mad.
But I sometimes wonder why I'm incapable of deep self-reflection in that state. Why can't I examine the actions of the previous day and dispassionately say, "That act was self-centered; that was self-righteous; that was true servanthood; and that was motivated by fear in the beginning"? Why am I incapable of looking at myself critically and saying, "This area needs improving; that part needs to die; and the L-rd is obviously cultivating that little seed"?
I think this is the reason: without that heightened gestalt awareness (to steal a phrase from Frank Herbert), even the dim understanding I have of myself causes me to want to improve myself. Make myself into something different. And I can't. I can't see clearly, and I can't improve myself. I am my own blind spot.
This is what it comes down to: Why am I stuck being me? Why don't I have the power to examine and truly change myself? Why do I have to rely on G-d to point things out to me and to change me?
What an audacious thing to ask. That hearkens back to the question in Isaiah 29 and Romans 9: "Shall the thing made say of him who made it, 'He did not make me'? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, 'He has no understanding'? ... But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against G-d? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, 'Why have you made me like this?'"
It's a case of the clay rebelling against the potter, a testament to futility. I mean, He knew what He was doing when He made me. Even desiring a greater understanding of myself means that I am setting myself on the throne of my heart, as A.W. Tozer said:
A moral being, created to worship before the throne of G-d, sits on the throne of his own selfhood and from that elevated position declares, "I AM." That is sin in its concentrated essence...
Who am I to say who I am? He made me; He knows where I'm going; His plans for me are beyond anything I could imagine. He is the G-d "who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did" (Romans 4:17).
Why do we, as human beings, insist on improving ourselves and defining ourselves in our own way and in our own time? We can't even see most of the things that need changing, although we can certainly believe we can see how others need to change (the splinter vs. the plank in the eye, like Yeshua said). Simply put, it's pride. It's setting ourselves above G-d and believing our timing, our plans, and our perceptions are better than His.
What foolish beings we are, to try to be so strong for ourselves...when the One who has everything waits for us to ask Him to change us. We have the Holy Spirit living inside of us. Do we know what that means? He is the one who makes all things beautiful in time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). It's His job to change us. I am not saying that we are supposed to just live our lives all, "Oh, if I sin, Holy Spirit will tell me. Hmm, don't hear anything; guess I'm fine!" No, we're supposed to be zealous to repent (Revelation 3:19). But all we can do is recognize our poverty of spirit and say, "L-rd, I can't define or change myself.
You change me. Your leadership is perfect. You have the ability to remold me, because only You see clearly."
... I don't know where all that came from. But obviously the L-rd has been poking around in some corners of my heart. Anyway, feedback is welcome, as always.
